


baby that's what i do

by natanije



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!, Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki is filled with Weird People, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Crossover, Fix-It, Gen, Hidan doesn't understand this guy, Kakuzu is Soft, Kakuzu's Hyper Intuition is Annoying, Maybe - Freeform, Tsuna reborn as Kakuzu, Weird Plot Shit, but he's also Ruthless, but they're Family anyway, despite being a malfunctioning one, it's useful tho, only with a bit of a twist, possible gay pairing with kakuzu later, seriously, shit happens, sort of, this is more serious than I intended it to be, this is supposed to be a humor fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-04 23:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11565180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natanije/pseuds/natanije
Summary: "Are you telling me," Hidan exclaims, incredulous, "that you collect money all this time to give toorphans?!"Kakuzu pauses. He blinks a few times."Huh. I guess I do."





	1. I remember, I do

Kakuzu hasn't always been Kakuzu.

It's a bit hard to comprehend, and even he finds himself sometimes wondering if he's really Kakuzu, or he's not Kakuzu, or if he's really just trapped in some nasty genjutsu shit that makes him question his very own identity.

But he is Kakuzu, he knows that first and foremost. Kakuzu of Taki. Or, well, formerly of Taki, considering his slashed hitai-ate.

Sometimes, he'll frown at his own hitai-ate, the pain and somehow  _disappointment_ resurfacing whenever he remembered the day when he slaughtered the people within his own village. The disappointment goes both ways: to the people who turned their backs on him because he failed to kill the God of Shinobi and to himself, who found it easy to kill them in his bout of anger, disappointment and  _fury_.

But, well, when he thinks over it again, it hadn't been easy. It weighed on him when he did it, when he  _had_ to do it for his own survival.

It was a do or die situation, and the shinobi inside him told him that he couldn't just  _run_.

( _He ran from Senju Hashirama, and look where that had gotten him into_ ).

And so he took the village elders' hearts, a bunch of forbidden techniques in his arsenal ( _it would be useful,_ his mind told him that day), and went out of Takigakure, the place he'd treated as  _home_ until that moment, the place and the people he was willing to sacrifice his limbs and life for.

He took action in accordance to his fury and walked out with his dying will.

A sardonic smile lifts upon his lips. Dying will, alright.

He doesn't know what made it happen, nor the circumstances that triggered it. But when he was on his way out of the village, when he slaughtered elders upon elders and took their hearts, it was as if something was insistently whispering in his mind; telling him of when and where the elders would strike back during their battle, a strong intuition that he'd come to trust fervently.

It was as if fire had burst from his chest, his eyes, his whole body, engulfing him in calm tranquility in the midst of his fury.

It was flickering, but it was there, however it went ignored when he was on his way out of the village.

Only later on when he was settled far, far away from that  _wretched, traitorous, sickening_ place he once called as home--

Everything--

Spilled out.

He remembered of days with his family, and his Family, his friends and comrades and underlings. Remembered of days filled with laughter and warmth, remembered of days when he was afraid and scared for his  _friends_ that he dragged into this mess, for his future, for his safety and the people beside him. Remembered of days when he fought and fought and fought. Remembered of days when he won, when he lost, when he won and lost and won again. Remembered of days when he ruled, when he took leadership alongside his comrades.

He remembered of days passed and when he finally lied down and took his last breath.

Remembered of a life when he lived as Sawada Tsunayoshi, Vongola Decimo.

And even to this day onward, he will always remember it, will always finds himself reminiscing the distant, fond memory.

Perhaps when he remembered, he should have taken a complete U turn, should've turned into Sawada Tsunayoshi, instead of the angry and betrayed Kakuzu of Taki, who not even five hours ago had murdered his village's elders.

But in this life he's Kakuzu first and foremost, and Sawada Tsunayoshi second.

Their personalities mashed with each other, beliefs and cultures and values, all mixing into one. Some clashed, some mixed in together perfectly. In the cases when they clashed, one should win.

Kakuzu of Taki, and Sawada Tsunayoshi of the Vongola.

Both are different people,

but both are one and the same.

From that point on, he became Kakuzu who is not entirely Kakuzu, but still Kakuzu nevertheless.

From that point on, he became Sawada Tsunayoshi, who lived as Kakuzu, and will always continue living as Kakuzu.

He's Kakuzu now. And he will never change it for the world.

* * *

Money makes the world go round.

Kakuzu believes that in this world filled with treachery and back stabbing, money is one thing that he can always depend on.

He sometimes cannot believe he starts to think like Mammon, but nevertheless that is the one thing Kakuzu believes in. And his intuition agrees. After all, with money, he can pay someone that his intuition doesn't trust, into following his whims.

With enough money, he can live comfortably, wandering through this world and visiting many places in a comfortable pace, without having to worry much about what to eat, where to sleep.

Well, he's a shinobi anyway, so without money he can still live by. But with money, everything is  _easier_.

He truly believes that Mammon must have influenced him somehow. It cannot be any other way. He  _did_ spend quite a lot of time with the Varia back then, despite Xanxus's characteristic wrath at almost everything from Sawada to Tsunayoshi. As angry and pissed off Xanxus was, he was a comrade he could always trust to protect Vongola.

And he did miss the guy. He missed everyone.

Nevertheless, they are mere memories for him now. Important memories, yes, but still  _just_  memories. He's Kakuzu now and he has to live on.

Perhaps some time in the future, he'll be able to gain another family.

His intuition seems to agree with him, and Kakuzu smiles behind his mask.

Soon, soon.

* * *

Akatsuki.

Kakuzu glances at the person (or  _is it_?) who introduced himself as Pein, and to the strange creature called Zetsu. There's warning bells ringing inside his head, cautioning him that this...  _Pein,_ is dangerous.

And those eyes.

Ripples, ripples upon ripples.

A  _doujutsu_? Truly, he hadn't focused much on doujutsu other than the Sharingan, more because he has no desire to obtain such eyes and that he hasn't encountered any ninja with particular doujutsus despite his many, many years as a nuke-nin. Perhaps it's because he hasn't found it necessary to travel to the Fire Country just yet, alongside him steering as far away as he can from Kiri thanks to its battles he has no interest in joining.

His knowledge in this particular purple doujutsu itself is almost close to none. But he knows enough that this person must be, in a way, dangerous.

 _Trust your intuition, Tsuna,_ Reborn seems to chide him inside his mind.  _Don't jump into conclusions, don't jump into the fight. Look, pay attention, and then fight back._

Kakuzu smiles lightly behind his mask.

_I know, Reborn._

"Leader-sama wants you to join the organization," the creature resembling that of an Aloe Vera (and it's that just  _strange_ ) says to him, and Kakuzu finds that it isn't a lie, not really. Something seems to tell him that there's something else though, something... more, in this Aloe Vera guy, but he cannot seem to find any that supports his intuition.

But a warning is a warning, and he trusts his intuition. Therefore, he shelves that particular thought for later and focuses on  _Leader-sama_ instead.

"And what is the purpose of this... organization?" He asks. "And why do you need me?"

"We are collecting S-rank nuke-nin to join our cause," Pein says ominously. "Your abilities and prowess have interested me, and therefore we are giving you a position within it."

 _So, an organization filled with traitors_. His mind concludes. It doesn't sound like a place that Kakuzu wants to spend his time in. Especially when he doesn't know what this organization even wants.

And thus he asks just that.

"For peace," Pein answers swiftly, and Kakuzu is surprised when he finds true belief and conviction within the man. "Akatsuki aims for world peace, and it will create true peace with any means necessary."

"Peace," Kakuzu deadpans, "and how, I pray tell, will you be able to achieve such a thing?"

Despite believing in the notion in peace itself, Kakuzu cannot help but to be skeptical. No matter what, conflict will always happen, no matter how small. That's just how the world is. Effort can be done to minimize it, yes, things can be done to resolve it. But a true, whole peace, in a world filled with many differences, as well as a world filled with shinobi that seem to depend on  _conflicts_ to continue on living, an abstract notion of "true peace" seems to be... very lacking.

And to see group filled with terrorists aiming for world peace, even an insane man would question it.

"A person can truly desire for peace when they've experienced pain and anguish," Pein answers, and Kakuzu's brain almost short circuited when he realizes the implication within the name  _Pein._  "If that must be done to have the people within this world to desire for peace, then so be it."

"So you're going to do genocide," he almost sneers, green eyes focusing on the minuscule twitch on Pein's eyebrow. "Or am I mistaken?"

"Perhaps," Pein answers, "The Akatsuki has established another way beside total annihilation of the people, Kakuzu of Taki, although you shouldn't be against it, given your  _reputation_." The jab is as clear as day, but it goes ignored. After a small pause, Pein continues. "We are to collect the  _bijuu_ , and to do that, we need strong shinobi. I ask you again, Kakuzu of Taki, would you join the Akatsuki?"

Kakuzu almost balks. The  _bijuu_? They want to collect the  _bijuu_? What can the  _bijuu_ do to gain world peace save for being used to destroy villages?

He can believe that Pein is insane, for believing in this abstract notion of peace through receiving pain ( _how masochistic,_ Bianchi seems to comment inside his mind, sounding coy) and he's willing to do so either. Only,  _only,_ they're staring at him, expectant, and his intuition tells him that whatever he may think, there is no getting out of this.

"And what would you do," he tests, "if I refuse?"

Silence.

"I will fight you," Pein says, "if you win, I will let you go. If I win, you have to join us."

_Yeaaaah. There is no getting out of this._

Kakuzu sighs. "On one condition," he tells them, "I shall be given the freedom to do whatever I want inbetween organization duties."

Pein seems to raise his eyebrow, "If you try to betray the Akatsuki, I will know."

The threat is as clear as day. Kakuzu simply stares at him in return.

"However," the orange haired man seems to amend, "bounty hunting is always welcomed."

Well, that explains that he knows exactly what Kakuzu likes to do.

"And vacation time," Kakuzu says, easily, like a child demanding candy from a mother.

Pein blinks. "Very well."

Beside him, Zetsu seems to tilt his head. "So you'll join?" The Aloe Vera's voice seems to echo even in a wide space such as this, and Kakuzu has to resist a shiver. There is  _definitely_ something wrong with this creature.

"Fighting two unknown people, one with a doujutsu, is a hassle," he simply replies, staring at them evenly. "And I trust my instincts."

"Oh, man, and I wanna see a fight, too."

"Too bad."

And thus, begins his days in the Akatsuki.

* * *

 **Next chapter:** Bad Habit ( _or is it?_ )


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which some plush toys are made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back with chapter 2 of baby that's what I do! Thank you for the positive response to this tiny fic, I hope you can enjoy this chapter as much as the last one!
> 
> Just so you know, this fic doesn't have any chronological order whatsoever. So what I wanna write will be written, time skips comes and goes, sometimes we will jump to the past, etc etc.
> 
> Enjoy reading!
> 
> This chapter includes Pein's and Kisame's opinions of Akatsuki's newest recruit!
> 
> Warning: goofy Akatsuki, also this chapter takes place after an amount of time skip

It takes one Kakuzu one look at Akatsuki's poor money management, and it is with pure horror on his face that he snatches the position of treasurer (and the considerably hefty amount of money as well as its bank book) from Zetsu's white fingers.

"If you don't understand how money works, then why are you managing it?!" He says, the tone almost taking a shrill one that he thinks is entirely justified. The book is filled with doodles of poo, and Kakuzu doesn't want to know  _why_. Zetsu and his strange obsession of poop are not in his top list of the things he wants to know about.

Zetsu, the little fucker, simply shrugs his shoulders. His black half is missing, probably latching onto another aloe vera guy like the creep he is.

It still weird him out a little bit that Zetsu is not a single entity, but one of many.

_(My name is Legion, for we are many)_

Kakuzu rolls that thought—the thought that sounds like Hayato and his morning routine of reading the bible—away from him swiftly, like how he does everytime he gets new people speaking in his head in the voices of his past Family. Still, really, it's strange that there's only one Black Zetsu but so many White Zetsus. It's jarring, a lot more than finding out that Yuni is apparently an alien.

(And he still thinks that's something is wrong with the Zetsus).

(Particularly Black Zetsu).

(He is glad he doesn't have to spend much time with the black half, really).

"Well, nobody wants to do it," is Zetsu's eloquent reply, and Kakuzu wonders why Pein didn't just do it himself or, like, appoint Konan-san or something; the woman looks capable and responsible enough, definitely better than the poo obsessed white-person-cannibal-thing!

(He wonders if he was recruited because of his money managing skills).

(It can't be, right?)

( _Right_!?)

(It must be because he's cool or something, or because of his S-rank reputation, not his  _money managing skills_!)

(He  _kills_ people for a living, for God's sake!)

(Honestly, while the Tsunayoshi in him is  _insulted_ , Kakuzu can't help but to preen. He does love money, so it's nice to be acknowledged that he  _knows_  how to handle his babies).

Zetsu grins at him, and Kakuzu feels like he won't like what comes out of Zetsu's mouth later.

His intuition is spot on, of course.

"So I just took the position, cuz somebody has to, right? And besides," he grins unrepentantly, "it's fun to doodle on it."

"…"

Kakuzu wonders if he'll get marked as Akatsuki's traitor if he burns Zetsu with his dying will flames. Zetsu is, after all, many. Losing one won't be that bad. Losing one won't hurt at all.

 _That's right_ , Kakuzu thinks viciously, his hand lightly sparking flames.  _It's just one, he won't be missed that much_.

"Please refrain from murder inside the headquarters, Kakuzu-san," Konan's smooth voice interrupts his murderous thoughts and Kakuzu pauses, the sparks of flames on his hands dying like blown candles. Konan's eyes focus on them for a moment, finding it intriguing that she finds no smoke or burned clothing.

The miser turns to the only woman in the group (and a very pretty one at that) and stares at her with a gaze that conveys his very emotions and thoughts, particularly about Zetsu's doodling habit, something that the White Zetsus only do when they're bored.

( _Well_ , Konan thinks,  _that, or they go out to eat some people._ )

"While killing your partner isn't really recommended," Kakuzu raises an eyebrow at the leeway she gives him—not recommended doesn't mean he's not allowed to, after all—and listens as she continues, "it will be a hassle to clean it up here. If you wish to kill, cleaning the headquarters from the mess will be your responsibility."

It is then her lips twitches upward for a second, betraying her amusement at this event, and Kakuzu has to wonder if this is her way to smile or smirk.

(It reminds him of Bianchi, somehow).

The woman's yellow eyes gaze at his green ones for a little while, some sort of camaraderie passing between the both of them, before she nods and saunters away, probably figuring out that Kakuzu has listened to her words and won't end up killing Zetsu (yet).

Kakuzu, after watching the woman's retreating back, remembers the mess of an accounting book in his grasp, curses, and makes a beeline to his room to fix the data or… just… whatever can be salvaged and saved from this mess.

They both ignore Zetsu, who is pointing at himself and loudly protesting about the apparent worth of his life.

* * *

Pein doesn't really know what to think about his newest treasurer.

Being someone who loves money almost as much as he loves his own life, Kakuzu is obviously doing his job fairly well (even if he's a bit stingy when a request to buy something is esteemed one-sidedly as unnecessary). The traitor of Taki also manages to effortlessly juggle between his work as a treasurer and his missions—although with Akatsuki still being a rather new missing-nin organization, missions are still far and inbetween—as well as his hobby to collect bounties or, well, what he calls as  _vacation time_.

Well, as  _effortlessly_ as he can, Pein guesses.

There were times when Kakuzu had to shoo Zetsu away when he was counting money and cataloguing the data while sitting in the headquarters' lounge, or when he threw a book full of doodles of poo and biceps and muscles and even some poorly drawn genitalia to a snickering White Zetsu.

Kakuzu bought Zetsu a drawing book, sometime later. A thick one.

And coloring pencils.

And crayons.

 _Lots_  of crayons.

Pein won't say it, but Kakuzu seems more like an exasperated father trying to maintain his difficult children than a murderous and blood thirsty missing-nin sometimes.

Kisame fits more into that "blood thirsty" picture, and even Pein finds him sometimes cooking in the kitchen with a blue apron decorated with a stitched picture of a shark and the words ' _fishes are friends'_.

(Pein finds out later that it's a gift from Kakuzu).

(Pein finds out Kakuzu likes to stitch, in which, okay, it fits his fighting style, but he also stitches things for fun, and now he seems more like a  _mom_ than anything).

(Pein finds out Kakuzu stitched a mini aloe vera Zetsu doll and gave it to Zetsu for safe keeping).

(The White Zetsus fight over it sometimes).

(Pein wonders if Kakuzu stitched him something and just haven't found either the time or the guts to give it to him, because Konan got herself a mini Yahiko doll and she  _loves_ it).

(…Sometimes, he wonders if he recruited the wrong ninja to be in Akatsuki. Why is his newest recruit so  _domestic_?)

(Kakuzu of Taki is an S-rank missing nin who steals hearts from his village's elders,  _why is he so domestic?_ )

But Kakuzu is strong, and Pein acknowledges that. Not as strong as Pein with his Rinnegan, of course, but the man truly deserves the S-rank he gets within the bingo books.

His movements are swift and agile; he's sure of his own power and is not overconfident. Kisame, who has gone with the miser to a few missions together, says the man has managed to finish the mission as quickly and efficiently as he could, sometimes even ending it in one blow, probably making the blue skinned man pout over the loss of his chance to fight.

And then, there's the matter about his  _flames_ …

Zetsu and Konan both had told him about the sparking of flames on Kakuzu's hands—flames that curiously enough didn't leave smoke or burn marks after they disappeared—that appears whenever he gets fairly irritated or tense.

A  _kekkei genkai_ , perhaps, and of a new kind as well, considering his family didn't have such a thing, according to the information Zetsu gathered about the miser.

That, or it's just a new jutsu the guy came up with in his long life as a shinobi.

But he hasn't exactly used the flames for some reason.

Not on missions, where he totally can handle them without the help of his 'flames', and not even during the spars he sometimes does with Kisame and rarely, Konan herself.

(She seems to be quite fond of him, although Pein doesn't know why. He rarely ever interacts with the missing nin outside of necessity, after all).

It makes Pein… curious.

As a leader, he probably can inquire the miser about it and demand a demonstration about the flames.

But Pein knows Kakuzu loves his freedom, the so-called  _Vacation Time and Leisure inbetween Missions,_ as Kakuzu himself so eloquently put it.

Or what's left of it anyway.

He probably will be reluctant to do it, considering he hasn't truly talked about it to shown it to anyone else  _blatantly_. Although Kakuzu has shown that he  _is_ wary of Pein and his power.

If worst comes to worst, he'll probably lose a very skilled treasurer.

 _Well, whatever_ , Pein muses, closing his eyes.

As long as it doesn't affect the organization and its goals negatively, he shall not bother.

He believes the time will come when it gets revealed to him, anyway.

Soon, soon.

* * *

Kisame thinks Kakuzu is amusing.

True, he lives up to his reputation. Kakuzu is curt, ruthless and definitely lethal. Undeniably, he's also a really skilled shinobi. In Kisame's standards, he's an important, strong ally, and has the potential to be a formidable opponent.

(Although Kakuzu is funny, too, since he saw Kisame looking at the mini Zetsu doll and  _offered to make him one if Kisame wanted_ , and when he said he didn't need such a useless thing, the man got up and made him a freaking apron.

An  _apron_ , with a picture of  _shark_  and the word  _friend_.

Then Kisame saw a small shark plush sitting in the lounge's sofa and he laughed).

But Kisame is also not blind, thank you very much.

Although Akatsuki hasn't made any real moves toward their goal in acquiring the jinchuuriki—save for the three tails in the Mizukage who is already effectively under Uchiha Madara's influence—it has begun to collect information regarding them.

He's seen Kakuzu's flickers of emotions—emotions that are quickly and expertly hidden underneath a blank mask—when he saw the jinchuuriki's information, and Kisame knows why.

Children.

Some of the jinchuuriki are children.

And Kakuzu, ruthless as he may be, is largely known for his penchant of sparing children, even young Genin or Chuunin that he seems to judge through his own criteria, because he killed some twelve year olds and let some others in the same age live before, and sometimes even women or pregnant women in particular.

This is one of the reasons as to why civilians don't hesitate much when they approach Kakuzu for mission requests.

Out of all troublesome traits to have, he has to just have his fondness of children.

There will be some problems with the extraction, when the time comes, considering Kakuzu's apparent weakness toward children in general.

 _Or, we can just wait until the children are old enough_ , Kisame thinks with a grin. That way, Kakuzu won't be adverse to capturing and killing them, would he?

If there's anything Kisame knows, Kakuzu respects and finds thrill in fighting strong and skilled shinobi. Older jinchuuriki are bound to fit those criteria. Kakuzu will find no qualms in fighting them; he'll even be honored, if Kisame's predictions of his traits are spot on.

 _Still, it's a long way to go_ , he muses. Akatsuki still needs to find a name of its own to be feared among the Hidden Villages, to gather enough information and funds, to gather more members, before they can think of capturing those jinchuuriki.

For now, he'll settle with gathering and getting to know new members, as well as watching how things go around the amusing miser.

Still, that plush toy, though,  _pffft_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaand done! What do you think?
> 
> Pein thinks Kakuzu is weird, and rather intriguing, especially his flames, while Kisame thinks Kakuzu is both funny and also someone that could potentially turn against Akatsuki simply bc of Kakuzu's (or Tsunayoshi's, really) fond feelings about children.
> 
> It's Tsunayoshi's memories at fault. He keeps on remembering Lambo, I-pin and Fuuta.
> 
> (Also, he cannot contain his need to make a plush shark. He just can't. The temptation is too high).
> 
> Some of them have been influenced by Kakuzu's Sky Flame's harmony quality, can you figure it out between the lines? Tell me who you think has been enchanted by his flames and has potential to be his 'guardians'!
> 
> Review please!
> 
> Next chapter: Konan and Zetsu's thoughts about Kakuzu
> 
> _(Psst, I'm opening some commissions for fics right now. If you're interested to know more, email me at kruezmisha on gmail, okay?)_


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